im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
