Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
