i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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