woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
