Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
