Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
