Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
