i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
