remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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