just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize