i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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