I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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