After last night, I could never be a politician.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
My ATM looks so different sober.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
