Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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