i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
