i need an iv and a liver transplant
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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