i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
