Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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