I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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