Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Let's get the cat blown out
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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