I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
