all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize