Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
