Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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