its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
