I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
