This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Randomize
