god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
