the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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