The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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