Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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