I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
