i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
