I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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