Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
