Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
