how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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