hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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