the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
What a dumb baby whore.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
