Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
