Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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