I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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