At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
