im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
