is your mom at the bar?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
