Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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