Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
