i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
