My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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