my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
