well I can't set my house on fire every night
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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