I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize